I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
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