im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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