You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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