How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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