She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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