I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
