I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
the liver wants what the liver wants
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize
