Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
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