I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
