defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
