A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
