im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
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