is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Randomize
