you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Randomize
