Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
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