You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
