Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
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