im six kinds of drunk right now
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
You ruined the universe
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
