Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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