I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
