so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
