A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
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