cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
