i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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