Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
