naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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