No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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