I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I will be naked everywhere
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
