Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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