Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Randomize
