i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Randomize
