Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
