The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
handjob tips. give me some.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
A+ Viking dick
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
