Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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