Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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