Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
