i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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