Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
