Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
