??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
