dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
