an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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