being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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