the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
