my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
