Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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