My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize
