as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Randomize
