had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
