so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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