I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
