Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
